Saturday, April 19, 2008

I'm Coming Out of the Closet

There have been a lot of things that I've wanted to blog about lately, but I can't because I have a secret. It's a secret that I hate to have, and it's something I'm ashamed about, and it's something that makes me want to crawl in a hole and die.

So here it is: I started smoking again. And I don't want to hear a damn word about it (I'm hard enough on myself about it). Mkay?

I've quit on and off for ten years, and some stretches have been longer than others. Two months here, three weeks there. But in the end, I love smoking. It's not something I'm proud of, it's not something I ever want Tucker to do, and yes, I know it's something that will eventually kill me (smokers do know that, my friends. Please don't feel the need to remind them of that).

But it is what it is. The hope that I may someday be a non-smoker dwindles every time I give in to "just one" cigarette. That "just one" always turns into "just a pack" or "just for a week", and then I am REALLY quitting. And the week turns into ten years. I have been a smoker for ten years. That really is disgusting, I think.

Tomorrow, I tell myself, I'm going to wake up and be 50. And I'm either going to be a smoker, or I'm going to be able to tell my children how glad I am that I finally kicked the habit in my twenties (or thirties. Argh).

I love smoking, but I hate being a smoker.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yep, I know these feelings you have very well, and the stress that you're packing ain't helping matters one bit.

Don

ABWF said...

I'm sure ABW has already told you my feelings on the subject, so I won't repeat them! They don't matter anyway. Quitting for good is something that you and only you can do. When it happens, it won't be because of anything friends or family have said and it won't be for anyone else. It will be for you.

My Mom was a smoker for over 45 years. My sister was diagnosed with asthma and was allergic to cigarette smoke. Mom's response? Start smoking outside. Her own mother died of lung cancer and she has been treated for breast cancer twice. We begged and pleaded for years to get her to stop (both before and after grandma died). It never worked. Finally, just over a year ago she decided that she didn't want to be a smoker anymore and she quit, cold turkey (this was a few months before the second breast cancer). The decision had to be hers.

When you are at that point, let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Until then, keep an eye on my blog. I'm almost done writing a post with an assignment in it for you and ABW! You're both going to love me for this :)

dutchgirl said...

Good for you for 'fessing up! That alone is worth something. Smoking is such a tough thing... just the nature of addiction, I think. In my opinion we all have something that we have trouble regulating, some are just more obvious than others.

Anonymous said...

I have never been a smoker, but living with a smoker, I know it has to be your choice!! Mike has not smoked since August with the help of CHANTIX. It has made a huge difference!! I wish you the best & hang in there. Like you said, you know what it will do to you, you're the one that has to quit. Mike said try Chantix!!!!!!
Love you! Heather & Mike

Anonymous said...

On the other hand... Granddad lived to 103, after two packs of camel no filters everyday and being gassed twice in WW1.
But you've already read that story.
Now I'm going out for a smoke.

Dick

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I think I love the comments more than the post. Hang in there Erin. You have alot on your plate. I love you no matter what. Give up the stress about it though and enjoy it for now. You still have time before Tucker will know if that is a worry but regardless...he will still love you.

Love Mom

Anonymous said...

ERIN--

NOT HERE TO JUDGE AS I HAVE MY OWN CROSS TO BARE. HAVE GROWN UP IN AN ADDICTIVE FAMILY ( GRANDPA ALCOHOLIC, UNCLE ALCOHOLIC, BROTHER ALCOHOLIC, DAUGHTER SMOKER) SO I KNOW WHAT AN ENORMOUS PRESSURE IT IS. BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT GOD HAS PROMISED HE WILL NOT TEST US BEYOND WHAT WE CAN ENDURE.

SENT OFF A BOX TO SCOUT TODAY -- HOPE HE ENJOYS IT.

REMEMBER WE LOVE YOU AND PRAY FOR YOU ALWAYS.

LOVE AUNT PENNY & uNCLE BRUCE

Guard Wife said...

I have the same battle with food that isn't good for me. I know it will kill me via my clogged arteries or just my plain fat arse, but yet, those M&M's get me EVERY time...not to mention those Big Macs.

Cut yourself some slack...for now.

Like you, I LOVE the food, but I hate being a 'that kind of food' eater.

trying said...

I dont smoke, never have, so I cant comment on whether or not I could quit. But flyboy smokes and has tried for the better part of five years to quit and its the hardest thing I've seen him do. And he still hasnt quit completely. All your stress certainly isnt going to help. I've basically given up harping him on it until he retires. Let him handle one giant ball of stress at a time!

yeah smoking is nasty (the mom in me had to throw that in) but cut yourself some slack. Just dont me the mom puffing in the parking lot while holding her newborn. yikes. Or ask tucker to hold mommys cigs. Those are two no nos. : )

Only $19.95 said...

OHMYGOSH. Me TOO!! Though I haven't started smoking again, strangely. I haven't smoked in, uhm, 14 months. But before that, I smoked for, let's see, I'm 37 and I smoked to be cool at 15 and quit for 4 pregnancies, so that's like HOLY SHIT! 20 years. A little less, but what difference does it make? I never, ever, EVER thought of myself as a smoker, though I was. And I was always embarrassed about smoking. But you know what? Some times you just need stuff.

And it's ok!

wifeunit said...

I am exactly the same as Guard Wife. I understand because I am the same way with food. It is hard to make a lifestyle change. And to do it under a high level of stress is even harder. No need to beat yourself up about it.

LoveMyTanker said...

I love smoking, but I hate being a smoker..........I second that!