Friday, May 16, 2008

Adoption

I spend a lot of time contemplating how Scout and I will tell Tucker that he is adopted. Although I think I know how I want to do it, I don't want to say something that will give him more abandonment issues down the road than (from what I've read) adopted children inevitably have.

I've been on an Amazon kick this morning. There are so many books on adoption.

I think I've settled on Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew and Talking with Young Children about Adoption for Scout and me. For Tucker, I've chosen Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born and A Mother for Choco (maybe even Horace).

I wish it was as easy as waving a wand - that Tucker could have a "normal" story; I worry about him so much. I just hope I can convey to him through my love that I would die or kill for him without the blink of an eye. And that love, of course, comes from the fact that he is ours - regardless of genetics.

7 comments:

Sis B said...

Not all adopted kids feel abandoned, although a lot probably do. I've been reading another blog for years by a lady who was adopted as a baby, and she has always known, and has never felt anything but loved and accepted. She's very open about her story and I'm sure she would talk with you about Tucker if you wanted.

In fact, I'm going to go leave her a comment and send her over here right now.

Lime is one of my all-time favorite bloggers. :)

houseoflime.blogspot.com

lime said...

hi there, i'm the gal sis b was talking about. let me start off by telling you to throw away 'twenty things adopted kids wish their parents knew." i am quite serious. it is, bar none, the worst book on adoption i have ever read. it infuriated me as an adoptee because it has as its premise that all adoptees are deeply wounded and damaged people. it will only serve to put unnecessary fear in your heart. it has good suggestions about how to be open with your child, but i really feel the negatives FAR outweigh the positives of this book. the only situation in which i could possibly see it being helpful would be in responding to someone who is already suffering psychological trauma because of parents or birth parents who handled things very badly.

ok, enough of my rant. hope i didn't scare you away. i would be more than happy to discuss with you the particulars of my situation in terms of what i think my parents did right (because they really did VERY right) and try to help you understand some of the issues tucker may need to process (but which don't necessarily mean will be damaging). don't get hung up on 'normal.' normal is having a mama who loves you and would die for your welfare. adoption is a wonderful and normal thing. :)

anyway, if you'd like to correspond my email is mountainlime(at)gmail(dot)com

Anonymous said...

As you know, your old man was adopted. Let me share what I would have liked to know. First, what was his name? Second, was I just an "accident"?
Be honest, loving and supportive, because you will never know if he will want to find his birth parents at some date. If he does, do not obstruct him, his curiousity will compel him in some fashion, so be prepared.
The BEST thing you can do is love him and be honest. Hell, I was in my mid-thirties when I found out what my "real"(biological) father was. Its no big deal now, but I was looking around for a few years. I never found him, but looking back, it really didn't matter.

Dad

The Girl said...

Your heart will melt the first time you hear Tucker tell someone that "my mommy and daddy picked ME out of all the boys and girls in the entire world!"

I will never forget the day I was greeted with that phrase by an almost 3 year old, still in diapers. It was most certainly a badge of honor for him, and should be for you all, too.

ABWF said...

The American Psychological Association has an imprint called "Magination Press" that publishes books for kids and their parents on a wide variety of topics. The books directed at the kids all include a section for the parents about things to think about/how to address the issue, etc. The ones on adoption and foster care are in this list. You can view several pages of almost all of the books online to see if they are what you might want. You might like "This is How We Became a Family: An Adoption Story".

The great thing about these books is that they are always written so that the parent can read them with the child and have opportunities to explain how their situation is the same or different from what is going on in the story. They give natural openings for the kids to ask the questions they want to ask. Sometimes kids feel "Safer" asking questions about what is happening in a book than about themselves.

I've used books from Magination Press for other issues before (mostly for kids with chronic illnesses and/or disabilities or kids with parents who are sick or dying) and have sent them to friends. I highly recommend checking them out.

Guard Wife said...

You've received some great advice. I think honesty and consistency is the best way to build a foundation under every child as they try to grow into the person they are meant to be. Your love for Tucker as his mom will be as real and obvious and unwavering to him as his own breath--don't doubt that. He is your son. You're his mom. The rest, I believe, will work itself out simply because those two things are so obviously true.

Anonymous said...

YOu know... some people become parents on accident... others have to work very hard to become a parent... I would make sure to document... journal your journey to bringing your sweet child home... even go back in time... so that in the future you can share that journal... sharing the ups and downs... and extreme joy being able to bring this sweet child home... There will be a time when he wants to know... and something showing that journey can prove to be a huge visual of your love... just a random observer... De'Dee Brown