Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Prostitute

Did I get your attention? I thought so.

Scout and I bought our lovely little house on a quiet little cul-de-sac. We have (mostly) elderly neighbors with beautifully manicured lawns. Our house is the worst on the block, which I love; it has a lot of potential and I get to see beauty from my front steps no matter which way I turn. 

However. However.

When we first moved in, all of the neighbors just about sprinted to our driveway to scope us out. We sat outside and talked a while when one of them said, "Well, as long as you're not a prostitute or a drug dealer, we'll get along just fine."

After giving her a perplexed look, she explained that the man that lived here before was a drug dealer, the woman was a prostitute, they caused permanent brain damage to their little boy by being negligent, and lit the backyard on fire (among many, many other things).

I was actually relieved to hear that we had very small shoes to fill as far as neighbors go (hey, maybe they'll overlook our boisterous dog collection!).

But the story doesn't end there.

The other night, Scout looked out the window and said, "What the (expletive)?" 

There was a fat Samoan dude walking up to our house. When Scout answered the door, the man asked where Angela was. Scout said, "We don't know an Angela."

He looked at me as he closed the door and we rolled our eyes at each other, imagining what the man must have been here for.

Then last night, a balding man with very few teeth, apparently having recently smoked crack, came up to the house. Scout didn't answer the door, so the man just yelled in at us through the closed window, nervously pulling at the collar of his t-shirt. He yelled, "Is Angela here?"

The (yelling) conversation sounded something like this:

Scout: No, Angela doesn't live here.

The John: Where is she?

Scout: (tossing his hands in the air) I don't know an Angela, dude.

The John: Where did she go?

Scout: I don't know, man.

The John: But she doesn't live here anymore?

Scout: No, man. Angela doesn't live here.

The John: Ok.

After the man walked away, Scout looked over at me and again said, "What the (expletive)?"

We'd like to come up with a funny sign to put on the door to explain that services are no longer provided at this address. Give me some input, if you so wish.

7 comments:

sharona said...

Well, not for a sign, but tell them she was arrested & the cops are watching for her Johns!
I don't suppose you want to be too clever, more up front, since her customers are probably not the most intelligent.

So, I'm excited about all the other good stuff for you!

surgpa said...

Get a "Neighborhood Watch" sign and bolt it to the door. Then put up one of those fake video cams you can buy at Harbor Tools for $10.Put it where it is soooo obvious to be seen. The previous customers will not be coming back.

dad

dutchgirl said...

Holy Crap! It makes me really glad your hubby is there and you're not there by yourself!! No ideas on the signage, I'm afraid. Be careful!

Abbey said...

Erin-- only you! :) Your life is so crazy-- you need to write a book!

Cindy said...

I agree with Abbey....only you. *Answer the door with one of your attack dogs!! *Home of .....sign. *No soliciting sign. Gee, I can't wait to see the crack house/brothel.

Meghan said...

Im gonna get you a sign made when I get back from camping!

Mare said...

Get a copy of the local PD logo. Make a sign saying offical notice or something to that effect that the former occupants have vacated the house. Put an attack dog sign in the window. Put up a camera. Get a real alarm system.

Call the cops each and every time someone comes looking for either of the scumbag former occupants.

Rinse and repeat as necessary. It's funny in an f-ed up sort of way but really, that could cause some trouble.